I stood there...in the crowded room, filled with people, laughing, talking, sipping cocktails.
Many smiling at me... yet through me. I felt completely alone.
I told myself...
“You have much to be thankful for.”
”You’re strong.”
“Every experience of your life has been training you for this life.”
“You overcome every obstacle.”
“Your mind and body are that of a fearless warrior.”
“You’re faith is bigger than your doubts or fears.”
“You can do this.”
“Warrior on.”
Yet, the loneliness lingered.
There are parts of me that no one knows. They yearn to be touched...and seen. I feel the tendrils of wanting that I keep so hidden begin to loose... I try to keep from unraveling, but it’s too late...
Imperceptibly, I feel the shift. He’s in the room. He feels me, and I him. Then, he’s behind me, whispering in my ear, “let me in”. It all happens so fast. He’s searching for the opening, then he’s inside me, slowly, seductively, wrapping himself around me, like a beautifully, comfortable, knowing lover... knowing where in my mind to reach, where in my soul to touch and where in my heart to linger. I want him to go away, but my resolve slips... I’m rendered totally helpless...I give in...to Blue.
The next day, I sit at my desk, working. I feel the remnants of him linger. Tears slip down my cheeks. I try to focus on my work, but sadness washes over me. I remember how my stealthy tempter took over me. He’s knocking at my door again. I let him in. Here’s what I’ve learned from Blue.
It’s Okay to Give In. I now revel in the blissful, magical, high energy parts of me (Sparkly), as much as I embrace my melancholy side (Blue). I’ve stopped resisting my love affair with Blue. Giving into Blue, for a time, is necessary. As a motivator and strength for so many, it’s impossible to always stay on a high. In the lulls, I let go of all control and restore. Because I know the power of my feelings, I recognize, even my sadness - as an identity that I can appreciate and explore. I’ve named my melancholy “Blue”, because he’s devoted, deep, unrelenting, evoking truth and trust. He’s my rescuer when I drift too far into the world. He pulls me back into his loving embrace, reminding me to stay connected to the Godness at the core of me.
Lean In. I’ve told the words to myself time and again. I am strong. I am capable. I can handle anything that comes my way, but sometimes, I get tired being strong. Sometimes it would be nice to have strong shoulders to lay my head on. But most don’t seek more than meets the eye... yet, it’s the seeker that wants to see more, that I’m looking for. When I’m in my melancholy place, I don’t have to be strong. I let Blue take over. I lean into all that I’m feeling. I lean into him. Through the process of letting go, I find my strength again.
Savor Glorious Self Love In The Space of Solitude. As a leader, you’re often alone. Most everyone else is content with being told what “is” or what to do. But there are things you envision and feel - ideas, whispers, that become louder, become a mission, a product, a program, a movement, a massive ripple, that evokes new thought, innovation, healing, hope, life, love. These are the things you risk making a fool of yourself for - over and over again, because the target will never be steady, but your vision and your faith is. People will watch on the sidelines. They’ll tell you what to do better. They’ll come and go. Many will give up, but you never will. You can’t. Because you hold the space between the idea and the creation. You manifest faith between disappointments, and the applause. You focus and grind. In those spaces, there will be loneliness, which I now think of as solitude. “Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone. - P. Tillich”
This Space is Sacred. Allow yourself to sit in this space. When Blue comes knocking, I know that this is what my soul now needs. I know that my spiritual evolution depends on my ability to feel the emotions God stirs within me. I nurture myself when I’m in this space. I make room for Blue. I light a candle. Bathed and perfumed, I wrap myself up and embrace the sacred exchange that will take place here. I make as much love with Blue as I do when I feel exquisite joy.
Pray. I allow God to speak to me while I process whatever my psyche needs to heal through. I wait for the shift with anticipatory longing. I am patient, and gifts come - in the form of a call from a friend, or the intoxicating smell of the vanilla, rose and patchouli incense wafting from downstairs. It comes through my daughter’s kiss on my cheek. It comes as God speaks to me while I rest, or sometimes, He speaks to me through a beautiful message reminding me to “never forget how rare, amazing and wonderfully I made I am, and that my existence is a gift to others.”
We must allow ourselves to experience it all - the bliss and the blues. We can’t fully enjoy one if we don’t experience the other. I love Sparkly, but I’m so in love with Blue. He calls forth and loves parts of me even I can’t see. Most of all Blue brings me back to me. XO, Blue.